When headlines circulate about a supposed link between autism and something as common as a mother taking a painkiller during pregnancy, the ripple effect is often devastating.

Not because the claim is grounded in strong science, but because it reinforces one of the oldest and most insidious narratives in our society: the mother is to blame.

We’ve seen it before. From refrigerator mothers in the 1950s to modern “mum-shaming” disguised as medical concern, the cycle repeats: the weight of responsibility lands squarely on the mother’s shoulders. This pattern is not just outdated, it is dangerous. It breeds shame, guilt, and isolation in women who are already carrying more than most people can imagine.

As clinicians, we see it daily. Mothers come into assessments exhausted, eyes brimming with tears, trying desperately to hold themselves together. They are already fielding constant criticism: from schools who frame their child’s dysregulation as poor parenting, from teachers whose “daily reports” read like never-ending lists of failures, from social groups where they and their children are subtly or outright - excluded. It is no wonder many of these mothers present with symptoms of PTSD.

The hardest part? Watching these mothers see their children mirror back the pain: children depressed, anxious, burnt out from classrooms that don’t fit them, rejected from friendships, misunderstood at every turn. Then these mothers go home and face the Herculean task of managing the household, often for multiple neurodivergent children, sometimes with a partner who is also autistic, and who may struggle to recognise or accept what is happening. Of course, not all husbands dismiss or minimise, but far too often we hear stories of mothers navigating this battle largely alone.

And now, on top of all this, another headline: another reason to feel guilty, another way to feel responsible. But this isn’t science; this is scapegoating. We know the most consistent association with autism is genetics. And time and again, studies show that the paternal genetic contribution is especially strong. In many families, it is clear that autism traits are passed down primarily through the father’s side.

So why does the narrative always loop back to “the mother”? Why does every difficulty, every diagnosis, every difference seem to be pinned on her choices, her body, her behaviour?

To all the mothers reading this:

You are not to blame.
You are not failing.
You are not alone.

I’ve been there. I am one of you. We are strong in our lioness tribe.

You are carrying more than your fair share, and still showing up for your children with strength, love, and determination. The science does not condemn you - the system does. And that’s where our energy for change belongs.

Dr Diana Goldsmith
Child Clinical Psychologist and mother to a neurodivergent child.

References

Reichenberg, A., et al. (2006). Advancing paternal age and autism. Archives of General Psychiatry, 63(9), 1026–1032.

Bai, D., et al. (2020). Inherited risk for autism through maternal and paternal sources. Nature Medicine, 26, 1512–1514.

Feinberg, J.I., et al. (2015). Epigenetic changes in sperm are associated with paternal and child quantitative autistic traits in an autism-enriched cohort. Translational Psychiatry, 5(9), e688.

Wang, T., et al. (2023). Rare X-linked variants carry predominantly paternal risk in autism spectrum disorder. Nature Communications, 14, 7701.

Werling, D.M., et al. (2018). Whole-genome sequencing reveals de novo mutations predominantly of paternal origin in autism. Science, 362(6419), 1310–131