When we think about preparing children for life, we often focus on reading, writing, and maybe a few “life skills” like tying shoelaces or making beans on toast.

But there’s something far more fundamental that shapes how children learn, manage emotions, and form relationships: their sense of attachment.

In psychology, attachment refers to the deep emotional bond that develops between a child and their caregiver. This bond isn’t just sentimental,  it’s biological. It quite literally shapes the developing brain. When children feel safe, valued, and understood, their brain’s architecture builds stronger connections in the areas responsible for learning, emotional regulation, and social skills.

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Why Attachment Matters So Much

From the moment they’re born, babies are wired to seek closeness to a trusted adult. This isn’t just about getting fed or having nappies changed; it’s about survival and security. Neuroscience research has shown that when a child’s attachment needs are met consistently, the stress hormone cortisol stays in balance, allowing healthy brain development.

A 2024 longitudinal study from the University of Exeter found that children with secure attachments in the early years were more likely to show resilience during school transitions, cope better with peer difficulties, and had lower rates of anxiety in adolescence. In other words, those warm, responsive moments in childhood have a ripple effect that lasts years.

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The Different “Styles” of Attachment

While attachment theory can get quite technical, here’s the simple version:

• Secure — “I know you’ll be there when I need you, so I feel safe to explore.”
• Insecure-avoidant — “I’m not sure I can rely on you, so I’ll keep my distance.”
• Insecure-anxious — “I’m worried you might not be there, so I’ll cling tightly.”
• Disorganised — “I want to be close to you, but sometimes you feel unsafe.”

Children don’t consciously choose an attachment style - it’s shaped over time by the consistency, sensitivity, and responsiveness of their caregivers. The good news? Attachment is not fixed in stone. It can be strengthened and healed at any stage.

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Everyday Ways to Strengthen Attachment

• Be emotionally available — Put down the phone, make eye contact, and listen when they talk (even if it’s about Minecraft).
• Respond to distress quickly and calmly — You don’t have to solve everything, but showing you understand goes a long way.
• Build in moments of delight — Shared laughter, inside jokes, or a silly handshake you do only with them.
• Rituals of connection — Bedtime stories, a morning hug, or a special goodbye at the school gate.

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Theraplay and Attachment

One of the most effective approaches I use for building attachment is Theraplay - a structured, playful method that uses short, nurturing activities to strengthen the parent–child relationship. Simple games like feeding each other small snacks, mirroring facial expressions, or engaging in gentle touch (hand lotion rubs, “bridge” hugs) can help children feel safe, seen, and cherished.

These activities work because they create moments of attuned connection. They tell the child, without words: “You matter, I’m here, and we’re in this together.”

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A Final Word

Strong attachment doesn’t mean you never argue, or that your child never storms off shouting, “You’re the worst!” It means that underneath the bumps of daily life, there’s a bedrock of trust,  a deep knowing that, no matter what, you’re their safe place to land.

And as every parent eventually discovers, the time between them needing you to tie their shoelaces and them borrowing your car keys is alarmingly short. The connection you build now will be the bridge they walk back across, again and again, as they grow.